to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
nutella sex= disaster
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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