hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
