dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
We named our party play list daddy issues
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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