I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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