The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
