Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
