he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i already hear my dad disowning me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
