I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize