Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
