: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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