I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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