it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
