I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
