I accidentally had phone sex last night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
