textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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