Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
