apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
