It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
