I wish you could order shots online.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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