If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
