Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
