just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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