I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
