mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize