I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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