Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She bit a glass in half.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
