Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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