she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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