I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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