Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
