is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
