i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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