Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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