He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
