The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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