idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
