If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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