I forgot how hot balto sounded
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
