He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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