Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
