I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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