My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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