i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
