im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
