this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
