She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There's always time for handjobs
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
