I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
