Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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