I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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