yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
