Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
