Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
