It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
