Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
