margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
