dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
