We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
