Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
