Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
