peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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