he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
