I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
